If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
