Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
