Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize