so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
