OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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