No more Irish car bombs ever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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