I think I died a long time ago.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
