I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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