JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
