I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
