1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
