you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
