you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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