Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
