Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
