I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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