remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
