Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
