I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
