Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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