Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
