ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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