It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
