Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I will pee on everything he values.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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