Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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