When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
