I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
