You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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