someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
