My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was born a porn star she said
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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