you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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