Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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