I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
