If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize