I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
did you just send me my own nude
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
