I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
