Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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