my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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