my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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