One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
