I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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