Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
