I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
