I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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