I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
