so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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