I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
