I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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