She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
