We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
