Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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