oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize