we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
