A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize