im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
