I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
